Today, I find myself in Puerto Morelos, Mexico for the beginning of the day of the dead (Día de los Muertos) festivities. As we walk along the streets, I notice beautiful ofrendas (alters) set up in almost every restaurant and yard that we pass. The Ofrendas are draped in brightly coloured cloths and adored with orange marigolds (cempasuchil), candles, pastries, and photos of the dead. I’m struck by the central placing of these alters and the faces peering back at me - a tender vulnerability arises between us. I’ve been told these alters guide spirits back to the family for a few days a year so they can converse, celebrate, and offer the spirit food and reminders of their favourite things and their love.
A beautiful custom of remembering and honouring the dead.
Like many people, I did not grow up in a family with any structure or discussion about honouring our ancestors. In my 20s I was taught about feasting the dead from Anishnawbe colleagues. Another friend explained her Chinese custom of Tomb Sweeping.
If we look back far enough, most of our lineages likely had some customs of honouring ancestors. Unfortunately, for many of us this cultural knowledge is no longer part of our customs.
How is it that we are meant to maintain a relationship with our beloved dead when little guidance is offered. On November 24th at 4:00 PM ET I’ll be facilitating the workshop, Supporting Adaptive Grieving and Loss: A Continuing Bonds Approach. In this, I will talk about the very normal and supportive way people continue to love and maintain relationships with those who have died.
But what does this look like and how does one begin?
A clue may be in bell hooks’ definition of love, "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth”. She argues that love is an action and requires care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and honest communication.
Notice what activities bring you closer to your deceased beloved people. How often would you like to commit to this activity with care and respect? Is the activity nurturing or draining? Can you be honest with yourself about how you feel?
bell hooks also wisely emphasizes that we cannot love another without first loving ourselves. Before we reach towards, we must connect inwards.
Many caregivers as well as the bereaved have long lists of tasks and worries, care work, and paperwork. Many extend themselves outwards to keep everything afloat. To keep themselves afloat.
The idea of right effort - generating a steady and sustainable energy rather than forcing or exhausting oneself - may be helpful to discern a way forward. Thich Nhat Hanh invites us to consider, 1) how our environment (e.g., news, media, conversations) may increase stress, fear, or worries, 2) how we tenderly embrace our anger, fear or despair rather than fighting them, 3) how we can actively cultivate positive qualities of kindness, compassion, and joy, and 4) how we protect wholesome and peaceful feelings so they can grow and last.
Remembering of course, none of us can do this alone. We need community. We need support. We need trusted guidance.
When working with clients, we often begin by exploring how they would like to truly offer love to themsevles, how their circle can unload any small burden (e.g., meals, information, coordination, finances, physical care), and what shared values and activities exist between them and the ill or dead as a place to start nurturing love in action when the time is right.
How are you balancing reaching towards others and connecting inwards to care for yourself?
